Jump
by scrubly-degrassily-everlarkily
Summary: "How can I change your mind? How can I fix you?" He asked. Clare chuckled cynically at him and stared, emotionless, into his red-rimmed eyes. "You know better than anyone that people can't be fixed." Rated T for rape, suicidal thoughts. Clare!angst. May trigger.
1. She Jumped

_**Tons of angst ensues. Hope you like it.**_

"Clare, give me your hand." Eli begged, his voice dripping with a desperation and fear that was unfamiliar to him. She swayed on the ledge of the bridge, her head shaking grimly.

Clare met his eyes briefly, the tears in her own threatening to spill over, to tell all of her secrets, to reveal the unadulterated vulnerability that she so desperately wanted to forget. She stood on the ledge of the bridge, the cold wind whipping strands of damp strawberry hair onto her tired face.

"Clare, this is not the way." Eli yelled, his hands shaking so furiously and his heart beating so intensely that light-headedness endangered to overtake him. "You can't leave me like this. Please?"

She scoffed, bringing one of her hands off from the ledge to brush hair from her mouth. Eli lunged forward and she jerked from him, her feet almost slipping from the narrow edge.

"Clare!" He screamed, climbing over to meet her, his fear of heights fleeing from him as adrenaline begged him to save the woman that he loved.

"Come any closer and I'll jump, Eli." She stated coldly, noticing a crowd of onlookers that had formed on the other side of the bridge. She hadn't meant for the occasion to be a public spectacle. She wanted to be alone, to think alone, and to die alone. Was that really so much to ask?

"Why are you doing this?"

"I don't want to live anymore. Why is that so hard for you to understand?" she seethed, venomous hate dripping from her voice. Her emotions were completely erratic. One moment she was crying, the next she wanted to kill everybody around her.

She guessed that was just another part of being a rape victim.

So much pain was bottled up inside of her. Betrayal. Desolation. Emptiness. She'd tried to go along like everything was fine, like she could be normal again. But after a few weeks of flashbacks, paranoia, fear, constant tears, isolation, anxiety and basically every other negative emotion she could have imagine, Clare knew that it would never go away.

She would spend the rest of her life with the knowledge that her ex-boyfriend, Jake, and his sleazy friend had violated her in the worst way.

She would always remember that they came into her bedroom in the middle of the night, reeking of alcohol and marijuana, laughing drunkenly and manically at her fear.

"_Saint Clare, the sister whore."Jake laughed, as he ripped her shirt off. His friend held her mouth, preventing her screams of terror. "You know y-y-you want this, Clare."_

_She shook her head frantically, tears gushing from her eyes. Jake punched her in the stomach and she recoiled in agony as he stripped off the rest of her clothing._

_They took turns with her until the sun came up. They took turns with her long after they'd sobered up. They took turns long after she'd gone numb, her body signaling that the events were simply too traumatic for her to deal with._

_Then, they left her there, broken, bleeding and bruised, to mourn the theft of her virtue and innocence._

Suddenly, Eli was standing next to her on the ledge. He held tightly to her shoulder, shaking her gently out of her flashback.

"Tell me what happened to you." Eli pleaded her gently.

"Go back over, Eli. You can't save me now."

"I-I-I love you, Clare. I want to help you. Please…" Hot tears poured down his face, his quivering lips let a sob escape his throat. "How can I change your mind? How can I fix you?"

Clare chuckled cynically at him and stared emotionlessly into his red-rimmed eyes. "You know better than anyone that people can't be fixed."

Eli ignored her stab at him and eased his way into a sitting position. "Just sit with me for a minute, Blue Eyes?"

Clare followed his lead and they sat there, side-by-side, on the edge of the bridge, water rushing hundreds of feet beneath them and an excess of fearful spectators standing on the other side, the safe side.

"Do you remember that time in the hammock, Clare? When we stared up at the stars for hours, just the two of us?"

She nodded slightly. "Yeah, that was before… before everything was broken." Her voice cracked painfully on the last word.

"But it can be fixed. We can get you some help, and you can be happy. We can be happy together, Clare, if you want that." Eli urged her, rubbing circles on her back gently, willing her to turn around with him to safety, to let him save her life.

Clare was amused by the irony peppered into the situation. Eli was trying to help her, like she never tried to do for him. He wanted to save her, while she'd only let him go. They weren't even together, and Eli was doing more to help her than she'd been willing to do when he'd experienced a complete mental breakdown.

"I was raped." She stated simply, staring down at the freezing water beneath her. Her breathing quickened and she clenched her eyes shut painfully. "You tell me how the fuck you are going to fix _that_?" She screamed, losing all composure.

Eli stared at her with wide eyes, finally realizing why his beautiful Clare, his angel, was so damaged. How could he be so stupid? All of the signs had been there for weeks. He'd noticed how pale and terrible she'd looked lately, how she seemed like the weight of the world was dragging down onto her. It was why he'd followed her home from school every day for the last three weeks. He was worried, and with good reason. He called her at least once a day, texted her most of the time while he was awake. He kept tabs on her at all times, fearful of a breakdown that could ensue. He was the only person in her life who knew her well enough to realize that she wasn't herself.

And of course she was depressed. She was raped. It all made sense to him in that moment.

His heart broke for her.

He grabbed her gently and inched closer to her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. She completely lost it.

"Sh…shhh… It's going to be okay, Clare." Eli patted her softly and kissed the top of her head. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry. I'm here for you, Clare. We'll go to the cops-"

"No, we won't. We won't go anywhere. The only place I'm going is down." Clare eased herself back onto her feet. "The police can't know. It'll ruin my mom's life. It'll tear her and Glen apart." Clare ranted, panic dripping from her quiet voice. "I can't. I won't."

Suddenly, it clicked. Her mom? Glen? That could only mean…

"Jake…Jake did this to you." He would kill Jake. His fury was overrun by his concern for Clare, but he knew it would be back.

Clare closed her eyes and swallowed hard. She shook her head in defeat. "I thought he loved me… I was wrong. Nobody loves me, Eli."

"I do, Clare. I do."

"I'm too dirty to love."

"No, Clare, never. You're perfect. You're perfect." Eli assured from the deepest, most sincere part of his being.

"There's nothing left for me."

"Just come with me. Climb back over with me and we'll figure it out. I'll be with you, Clarebear. We will get better, together. I'll never leave. I'll show you what's left for you."

She knew he meant it. He would never leave her. He would be burdened with her forever, because he didn't know how to let go. She couldn't bear the thought.

She pecked him on the cheek sweetly and smiled at him, her eyes welling up again.

"You'll come with me?" He asked, hope peaking up out of the dread he was feeling. "You'll climb over with me?"

She ignored his question and let the tears run down her cheeks, "Thank you." She whispered.

"For what, Clare?"

"There's no one else I would have wanted to spend my last moments with."

"Cl-!"

She jumped.

_**Well? Comments, questions? Was it terrible? Haha**_

_**Lemme know.**_

_**Vann**_


	2. He Jumped

_**This was supposed to be a one-shot, but I Love Field Hockey begged for more, so I had no choice but to oblige. **_

_**This will be a very dark fic. I promise that. I will be working on this and Foolish Games at the same time, and hopefully I'll be able to evenly distribute my attention and updates for them both. **_

_**I hope you enjoy. Oh, and please review because I'm a review whore. They are my drug of choice. **_

_**Vann**_

The constant beeping of the machine next to him was a warm lullaby to Eli's ears. It held him firmly in his chair, anchoring him to his place of watch over Clare's small, almost lifeless form.

Her family was at the police station with Jake. He was being questioned about the rape. _Her rape._

Eli gritted his teeth angrily and shook away the thoughts of his poor Clare being raped. He couldn't get worked up. Not there. Not when she could wake up at any second.

_She will wake up, _he repeated to himself. _She has to._

Eli counted dirty tiles on the hospital ceiling as the time seemed to drag on hopelessly. Nurses came and went, a male doctor occasionally graced the room with his holier-than-thou attitude, and fellow Degrassi students dropped off flowers and tears and whispered words of encouragement into Clare's ears while Eli sat, unmoving, in his rock hard chair.

He noted the off-white walls, littered with specks of substance with origins unknown to him. He studied for hours the stiff, starchy white blanket that covered Clare and complimented her similarly pasty skin. He ingrained every last detail of the hospital room into his mind. What better way to pass the time than to obsess over the smallest, most insignificant details of his surroundings? It was better than dwelling on the fact that the girl he loved was unconscious in a dingy hospital room.

He stared at her, willing her to open her deep blue eyes, flash him an uncharacteristically happy smile and tell him that she was going to be fine.

He hadn't spoken to anyone in hours. After telling the police about Clare's admissions, pointing them in the direction of Jake and claiming his spot next to her in the ambulance, Eli shut down. He didn't want to speak, or breathe, or think until Clare was awake.

The steady beeping of the monitor was his only friend.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()

_Freezing cold water assaulted his skin on impact. The pressure was so intense that he felt himself embracing unconsciousness._

_But no, Clare needed him. He flailed his arms in the water and struggled to the surface, looking around frantically for her in the murky brown lake. He ducked his head back under and opened his eyes, an uncomfortable burn clouding his vision as he desperately searched for her. A faint black cloth floated in front of him and he swam toward it with all of his might. He yanked on the material and felt it weighted down with a heaviness that could not have been caused by water and cloth._

_Clare._

_With all of the strength that he possessed, Eli dragged the black cloth up to the surface and finally saw her skin, her face, her closed eyes._

"_No!" He screamed. "Don't you die on me, Clare!"_

_He swam her to surface as quickly and frantically as his rushing adrenaline would allow. When he reached the muddy shore, several people helped him pull her out of the water. _

_They laid her out on the muddy incline and Eli felt her wrist for a pulse._

_None._

_His heart stopped and he began CPR with an intensity that he couldn't control._

_1…2…3…_

_1…2…3…_

_1…2…3…_

_He breathed desperately into her mouth and prayed to no one in particular, begging for Clare to be okay. _

_After several minutes, a cough erupted from her chest. Water spewed out from her mouth and onto Eli's face. The murky water mixed with his relived tears and he felt a sigh of unadulterated joy rush from his throat. He tipped her onto her side and her entire body racked with coughs, water spraying from her lungs and all over the ground. Her eyes were closed, but her pulse was steady underneath Eli's thumb._

_Finally, he heard sirens quickly approaching them._

_The rest was a blur to him. Police questions, Clare's family arriving at the scene, her mother screaming, her step-father trying to calm her, Jake being handcuffed and shoved into the back of a patrol car, eyes all over him as he climbed into the back of the ambulance and held Clare's limp hand in his own, exhaustion clouding over him heavily. _

()()()()()()()()()()()()

"Eli? Eli?"

He heard a voice gently prodding him from his fitful daydream. Clare's step-father stood in front of him, baggy eyelids and stress lines marking his exhausted face. Eli offered up a half-nod at the man and turned his attention back to Clare.

Glen sat gingerly at the edge of Clare's bed, careful not to disturb her frail body. He rubbed his scruff roughly and breathed deeply, as if he hadn't taken a breath in years. The two men sat awkwardly together as Clare's monitors droned on endlessly.

"I don't blame you for talking to the police." Glen finally choked out, his voice crackling with emotion. "We knew something was wrong with Clare. But I… I never suspected my-my son."

Eli shook his head angrily and fiercely avoided eye contact with the older man.

"The police searched the house. They found Clare's journal and-and some bed sheets that they are testing for DNA. They said her journal detailed the attack. They said it was enough to charge Jake." Glen stuttered, his voice shaking almost as intensely as his hands. "They said she'd been writing about suicide ever since." Glen's voice completely broke. "If it weren't for you-"

"Stop." Eli demanded, rage building up inside of him so intensely that he knew he was about to lose it. "I _don't _want to hear it. I just want to sit here and wait for Clare to wake up. That's all I care about."

Glen obliged and left soundlessly.

Once again, just Eli, Clare and her steadily beeping heart rate occupied the room.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Bright lights blinded Clare as she slowly ascended from unconsciousness. All she could make out in the room were subtle shapes. Silhouettes of chairs and machines greeted her roughly as she tried to get her bearings.

She blinked. The room was silent, other than a steady beeping sound that Clare couldn't quite place.

Her sight finally fixed and she realized where she was.

_A hospital?_

She looked around, frantically, for any sign of normalcy. Her eyes fell on shaggy black hair.

"Eli?" She yelped, her confusion growing with every passing moment.

He jumped.

_**See what I did there? I incorporated the title again. **_

_**Points for me.**_

_**I promise this story will pick up soon.**_

_**Stick with me, okay? Please?**_

_**And review too. Hee hee.**_

_**Vann**_


	3. They Slept

_**Follow me on tumblr if you'd like. I talk about Eclare, puppies, memes and other interesting things like that. **_

_**Vanilllabare is my name on there. :**_

_**Story time!**_

_**Vann**_

_**P.S I noticed that I used the word "she" to start most of my sentences in this chapter. Yes, I am aware. **_

A dull pain pulsed in her entire body. Realizations hit her like a ton of bricks.

She closed her eyes swiftly.

She wanted to vanish, to dissolve into thin air.

A familiar heaviness plagued her, dragging her back down into the painful depths of her dark thoughts. She knew exactly why she was in the hospital.

She'd attempted suicide.

She was going to be locked away.

She was going to be labeled crazy…

Now she knew how Eli felt after his crash.

Eli observed her, waiting for her to speak.

Every second of silence felt like a lifetime.

"It's too late, Clare. You can't pretend to go to sleep now." Eli said matter-of-factly. She noticed the heavy exhaustion that weighted down his speech.

She felt tears burning at her eyes. They stung, begging her to blink them down, begging her to show Eli just how weak she was feeling.

She fought the urge desperately. But like everything else in Clare's life, her own body betrayed her. Wet tears slid down her worn face.

"Clare?" Eli whispered.

The sick feelings that grew in the pit of her stomach were more unbearable than the physical agony.

"Eli." She managed out before her voice broke into a panic-stricken sob. "Eli-I-can't… Please-I…" Her voice caught in her throat. She struggled for air but her lungs were constricted. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to see.

God was punishing her, she was sure of it.

"Nurse! Nurse!" Eli screamed, the terror painted in his voice as clearly as it was on Clare's face. "Help!"

Clare clenched her eyes shut as tightly as she could. Colors swirled in her mind and she basked in them, letting the distraction take her away to a place that was so chaotic. Bright flashes of light exploded in front of her like fireworks.

"Ms. Edwards." She heard a nurse call. The voice sounded distant.

She was far away now.

Clare was far away from her body and her pain.

()()()()()()()()()()()

A nurse stood over Clare, shaking her gently.

"She was awake, I swear." Eli explained thickly. "She was panicking."

The nurse nodded solemnly, her auburn hair bobbing up and down. It reminded him of Clare.

Everything reminded him of Clare.

She checked Clare's vitals, marked them down on a chart and excused herself politely, as Clare would have done.

Clare.

Clare.

She haunted his thoughts.

"Clare," Eli called out, "I'm here… I'm here for you, whether you want me to be or not. I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me?" Eli grabbed from her hand and held it tightly, gently rubbing circles on her soft skin. A painfully lump formed in his throat and he willed it away. He needed to be strong. But his body begged him to release the bottled up pain. He was drained of all energy. "Edwards, you need to open those pretty blue eyes and talk to me."

She was lost in thought, buried deep within her mind, basking in denial.

"Clare, you're killing me here." Eli grumbled.

He'd inhaled entirely too much water and his lungs hurt with every word. He wanted to go home, change into some comfortable clothes and crawl into his bed forever.

He wouldn't, though. He'd sit next to Clare for as long as it took.

"I hate to break it to you, but it's probably in your best interest to wake up and talk to me. Eventually they will kick me out of here, and you'll have to talk to a shrink or something."

Her hand tightened around his and he smirked. If manipulation was what it took for Clare to talk to him, then he would do just that.

"In fact, your parents aren't even here right now. It's just me, Edwards. I'm the last little bit of normalcy that you're going to get in this rat hole. But the more you ignore me, the more I think I'll just leave and go home. In fact, I just bought a new book. I think I'll go-"

Clare's eyes darted open, begging him not to leave her.

"Please." She begged, her voice dripping pitifully with panic.

Eli smiled gently and held her hand tightly. "How do you feel?"

Clare shook her head and felt the aching sensation travel up the back of her neck and into her temples.

"Bad."

Eli brought her hand up to his mouth and placed an innocent kiss on her fingertips.

"Please don't tell them that I'm awake?" Clare asked, her wet eyes piercing Eli's.

He agreed wordlessly and sighed. "You scared me."

Clare shifted uncomfortably. So many questions plagued her. Where were her parents? How did she survive? Did everyone know? How long had she been unconscious? Had Eli told them everything? She was too afraid to ask. Ignorance was her bliss, and she wanted to stay that way.

"I'm sorry…"

The awkward silence returned.

She played with her hands anxiously and stared at the damage on her arms. Scrapes and scratches covered over scars. She couldn't tell what damage was self-inflicted and what was caused by the murky lake floor.

Eli noticed her arms and flinched. He hated that she'd hurt herself. He hated this situation so much. Desperately, he tried to avert the attention in the room to something else.

"I got you some books." Eli reached behind his chair and picked up a large bag. Books were protruding in every direction from the bag and it looked close to ripping. He chuckled and started to take them out.

"Poe, Palahniuk… Stephanie Meyer." He scoffed. "Your favorites."

She took the Twilight book in her hand gingerly and rubbed the cover with her thumb.

"I haven't read since…"

She looked into Eli's eyes. Her face flooded with heat.

"Clare…"

A cry escaped her lips. Every bit of her was trembling. Eli moved from his chair to the edge of her bed. He put an arm around her and pulled her into his chest. He felt her hesitation.

"I've got you. You're safe."

He felt her weight collapse into him. Her body heaved up and down with painful sobs. A passing nurse noticed the scene and walked in quietly.

"Hello, Ms. Edwards. It's nice to see that you're awake."

Eli glanced up at the nurse and shook his head softly. Clare was buried deeply into his chest. The wet tears soaked through his t-shirt.

The nurse adjusted her I.V quietly and left.

Eli held her firmly for hours, the two of them ignoring the rest of the world. She fell asleep in his arms, and he fell asleep holding her close.

_**This was kind of a filler chapter.**_

_**I know, my stories have been kinda slow.**_

_**Boo to you, as Eli would say.:)**_

_**Follow my tumblr, review, alert. Please?**_

_**Vann**_


	4. She Learned

She awoke in a cold sweat, panic rising within her as she tried desperately to identify her surroundings. She felt the body of a man next to her and the panic grew.

Was she being violated all over again?

She shoved desperately at the figure that was slumped over her, mustering up every bit of body strength to break free. A sob escaped her throat and startled the other person.

"Don't hurt me." She cried, clenching her eyes shut and waiting for the inevitable pain, shame and despair.

"Clare." The person whispered. The voice was soft and loving, not at all like Jake's. She was safe.

The muscles in her shoulders relaxed. Her eyes opened slowly and she was greeted by a tired-looking Eli.

Upon seeing his face, she remembered where she was, and why she was there. As much as the realization pained her, it was also comforting in a sense. She was safe in that hospital bed, with Eli beside her. She didn't have to answer any questions or put on any shows. He already knew what was wrong, so she didn't have to say it.

He was her shelter from the rest of the world that had so horrendously betrayed her and made her break.

She loved him for that.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, rubbing at his scruffy face and suppressing the intense yawn that was creeping its way up his throat. Constantly sitting in the hospital was taking its toll on his physical well-being. He felt sore and stiff and just crappy in general. The one thing that kept him strong was that he knew that Clare felt worse, and that she needed him strong.

"I don't know, Eli. I don't feel anything."

The phrase rang in Eli's head with a heavy intensity.

_I don't feel anything._

He knew what she meant. And it wasn't a good sign.

She would bottle it up so tightly and feel nothing, until she felt everything. She would explode with heaviness and a painful knowledge that would ache every fiber of her being. She would feel every single pain, both mentally and physically, until she found herself once again at the edge of a bridge, or the end of a knife, or the barrel of a gun. Eli knew what it was like to hold in a heavy burden until you became one with it.

He was scared for her.

"Nothing at all?" He asked warily, hoping that she would break, just a little bit, to reassure him that she was still aware of the very dire situation that she was in.

"Nothing."

At that moment, several of the hospital staff walked into the room, accompanied by Glen and Helen. Neither of the "parents" made a move to approach Clare, treating her like a pile of broken glass.

"Honey…" Helen whispered, unadulterated emotion plastered onto her face. She covered her mouth with her hand and Eli had to hold back a roll of the eyes. He'd never been a fan of Clare's mother, and he didn't quite like that she'd not visited her daughter even once in the ER until then.

He knew that if he had a child who was so broken and upset, he'd be by their side until they felt better again. He'd always known that Helen was selfish, though. All she cared about was the security of her new marriage. She didn't mind that Clare's life was falling apart at the seams, as long as her fairytale wasn't permanently damaged, even if that meant her Prince Charming's son was allowed to violate her daughter.

It was all so wrong, and all he could do was sit there and bite his tongue so he wouldn't upset Clare even more.

"How are you doing, Clare?" Glen asked cautiously, visibly uncomfortable with the situation.

Clare stared down at her hands and said nothing.

"Clare, I had no idea…" Helen whispered softly, her tone peppered with sympathy and sadness.

"Well, mother, things like this happen when you let men that you barely know move in with you and your teenaged daughter. But don't worry about me, mom. You just keep focusing on your marriage while everything that I've ever cared about it ripped away from me." Her tone went from quietly menacing to screaming. "Stop acting like you care and get the fuck away from me."

The machine next to Clare started beeping rapidly. Her blood pressure was spiking and suddenly, several nurses were by her side, trying to calm her down. The rage on her face quickly fell to fear as she was engulfed in a hoard of white coats.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." A nurse told Eli as Helen and Glen were escorted out of the room.

Clare grabbed his hand tightly and looked up at him in a way that he would never be able to forget.

Her eyes were savage, filled with fear and need and desperation and _pain._ "Don't go." She begged him, clutching onto his hand so tightly that one of his fingers broke at the grip.

He choked back a cry of pain and nodded softly. The nurse nodded and stepped back as the rest of the staff adjusted the machines and injected Clare with a mild sedative. Eli could see her eye-lids slightly fall and felt her death-grip on his hand loosen. He inspected his index finger and tried to move it, to no avail. Clare looked at him, completely unaware of the damage that she'd caused. He struggled to keep his breathing steady as the nerves in his hand sent him terrible shocks of pain.

"I hate her, Eli." Clare seethed; forcing air into her lungs that she wasn't even sure would make a difference. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and looked up at her with a pained expression.

He offered no words, just listened as she told him everything that was on her mind.

"I can't live there anymore. I won't… I have nowhere to go now. Dad's got some whore and her kids living in his condo, and I can't go back home." Her voice rose in bitter frustration. "I didn't count on having to find a place to live. I just wanted to die and get it over with."

Eli was shocked by the lax way she talked about suicide. She seemed so unconcerned with the permanence of death.

"Why did someone have to save me? Why couldn't they see that I needed to escape? It's not fair, Eli! There's nothing left for me in this stupid place. I hate them for making me live!" Her nose twitched with anger and she grinded her teeth together, feeling an explosion bottle up in her chest. "It's nobody's business anyway. It's my life. Shouldn't I get to have a say?" Her head was pounding as the rage built dangerously inside of every bit of her.

Eli felt his own blood-boiling.

Fair? How was it fair for him to be put in that situation? Was he supposed to just let the woman that he loved die right in front of him? Was he supposed to live with the knowledge that another person that he loved was ripped away from him?

"Did you ever think that maybe I couldn't live without you?" He mumbled, cradling his broken finger and staring up at her with an intensity burning inside of him. "I couldn't just watch you die. Hate me if you want, but I wasn't going to watch you die." He rose from his chair and turned toward the door, resisting the urge to turn around and see Clare's reaction. He wanted her to _want to live._

He wanted to help her, to help her love her life again, to help her _want _to live.

"You saved me." Clare stated dumbly, the words leaving a foreign feeling behind. "You jumped?"

"Yeah, Clare, I jumped."

_**I know the progression is slow, but I'm working on the developmental aspect. Patience, friends. **_

_**This will be picking up quickly, I swear. I just wanted to get this short chapter out there before everyone lost interest. **_

_**Vann**_


	5. He Left

_**Follow me on tumblr and I'll follow back… if you post awesome stuff! Vanilllabare . tumblr. com**_

_**Here's chapter five! Hope you enjoy! :D**_

_**Vann**_

"Why did you do that?" Clare whispered. "You could have died..."

"I would rather die than watch _you_ die."

Clare pursed her lips and looked at her hands, at a complete loss of words.

Once again, her world was flipped upside-down and nothing was in her control.

"Don't expect me to thank you… I'm not grateful."

"I understand... Clare, what you went through is horrible, but-"

"But what?" She interrupted. "Don't you _dare_ try to tell me that it gets better, because I know for a fact that it doesn't!" She snapped her head up and Eli saw it again, that look of utter rage, like she would kill the next person who crossed her path.

"Counseling is-"

"No!" She huffed and crossed her arms. She felt burning pains all over her skin as the cuts were disturbed. She hissed in pain and Eli scooted closer to her, anxiety obvious on his face.

"What's wrong?" He asked frantically.

"Nothing… Just some cuts… From the fall, y-you know? No big deal."

Eli shook his head and had to remind himself that she was unstable, that she needed him to be her friend, not her father.

Despite the air of fragility that hung over Clare with her bruised skin and the obnoxious bags underneath her dull blues, her eyebrows were furrowed in a way that said, _"I'm strong, and you cannot phase me." _

He knew that she would break down, eventually, and he was terrified to see the aftermath of such an event.

A nurse walked in with a tray of food and Eli backed up a bit, letting her set Clare up. There was no silverware or plastic-ware on the tray, just an assortment of raw vegetables, a sandwich and a container of juice. He assumed that it was simply a precaution that they take for suicidal patients, but the gesture made him uncomfortable.

In their eyes, Clare was so unstable that she didn't even get a fork.

"Ms. Edwards, the doctor will be in to see you within the hour. Enjoy your lunch." The nurse smiled shyly at Clare and walked out of the room briskly.

Clare pushed the tray back and rolled her eyes. "What will it take for them to let me out of here, Eli?"

"A psychological evaluation. You'll have to talk to a shrink, and he'll determine when you are 'fit to reenter society.'" Eli explained.

Clare tilted her head at him in confusion. "How do you know that?"

"Remember when I crashed Morty? I was treated for "suicidal" tendencies."

Clare's eyes widened. "Wow… I-I didn't know."

"Yeah…" Eli shifted uncomfortably. He looked up and noticed that Clare's eyes were glassy. "Don't cry, Clare."

She choked back a sob and clenched her fists. She was tired of feeling such a mixture of emotions, and she was so _fucking_ tired of crying.

It wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

She knew that she was about to show even more weakness to the one person that she wanted to be strong for.

She felt the tears burning in her, the sadness bottling up in her throat.

She loathed the feeling of mourning; she loathed the innocence and vulnerability that came with crying.

Crying made her look weak, and weakness is what got her to this terrible point.

Weakness is what gave her the defenselessness to be raped by her step-brother.

She couldn't be weak anymore.

Anger was easier to feel. Anger would make her look strong.

Within seconds, she grabbed the tray of food in front of her and whipped it across the room. A savage scream escaped her lips as she ripped at the bandages on her arms, revealing bloody cloth and barely healed over wounds.

"Clare!" Eli grabbed her by the forearms, unintentionally coating his fingers in her blood, and winced in pain as he desperately to hold her in place, broken finger and all. She wriggled desperately out of his arms and managed to break free, ripping all of the wires from her arms. She saw a nurse running down the hallway toward her room. There wasn't much time left, she knew. She planted her feet on the ground stubbornly and felt pain shoot up and down every inch of her body. It was the first time she had tried to stand up since she'd been in the hospital.

Big mistake.

Agonizingly, she fell back to the bed and let out a wounded wail.

"Ms. Edwards! Ms. Edwards, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down, bitch!" Clare spat in her direction and clenched her teeth together to hold back her tears.

Eli just sat in his chair, defeated, cradling his hand. Three nurses ran into the room and restrained Clare by strapping her to the bed and injecting her with a sedative. Her eyes gradually closed and her body relaxed completely as the drugs swam through her system.

Eli stared at her angelic face, completely calmed down and peaceful. He was officially dumbfounded by what was happening.

"Sir, are you okay?" One of the nurses asked him. She stared down at him with concern in her eyes.

"Uh, yeah-"He coughed painfully and lifted up his finger, "I think my finger is broken."

"Let me look at it." The nurse said, taking his wounded hand into her grip and gasping. His finger was a deep purple color, covered in bruises and completely swollen. "It's definitely broken. And it sounds like you might have some fluid in your lungs. Have you been swimming?"

Eli chuckled lightly and smirked at her. "I guess you could say that."

The nurse escorted him into a small white room and instructed him to wait for a doctor.

He smiled at her and inwardly rolled his eyes.

More waiting…

He stared at a poster on the wall that detailed sexual assault. He studied it intently from top to bottom, mentally taking note of every detail and suggestion until he heard the door open. A short male doctor walked in and smiled cheerfully at Eli.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, correct?"

Eli nodded his head and held up his finger. "In the flesh."

The doctor gently grabbed hold of his hand and held it up, inspecting the enflamed digit underneath the light.

"That's a nasty break. What happened exactly?"

Eli explained it to him in detail and the doctor's face fell. "Ah, yes… Ms. Edwards's case is a tragic one... You must be the young man that saved her."

Eli looked away uncomfortably and shrugged. "Uh yeah, I guess that's me."

"That was very brave of you. I saw the story on the news. People are calling you a hero."

Eli felt embarrassed as he asked, "The news?"

"I saw it on Channel 8 last night. And my wife read about it in the paper this morning. It's been pretty big news. I'm surprised you weren't hounded by news reporters for an interview."

"I actually haven't left the hospital…" Eli looked up and furrowed his brow. "Has it really only been a day? I feel like years have passed."

The doctor smiled lightly and half-laughed. "Stress will do that to you…Most kids your age would have gone home to hide from a situation like this. You must really love her."

Eli blushed and cleared his throat. "She-she's a good friend."

He glanced at Eli knowingly. "She must be. Alright, can I have you lay down here for a second?"

Eli obliged and the doctor, whose nametag read Dr. Wolof, listened to his lungs for about a minute with a stethoscope and asked him to cough a few times. He checked Eli's temperature, and did all of the basic procedures of a check-up.

"Did you receive any medical attention after the incident?"

Eli shook his head and broke out into a fit of coughs.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your symptoms are pointing to pneumonia. Luckily, we caught it early… I'm going to give you a prescription and send you on home. We can't risk you spreading your illness to Ms. Edwards."

Eli gaped at the man and shook his head, "She needs me."

"She'll be okay. She can phone you if she needs you. You need to take care of yourself too." Dr. Wolof handed Eli a script and patted him on the back. "Pneumonia can be fatal if untreated. She needs you _alive_. Get some rest, drink a lot of fluids, take the medicine and you'll be well in no time. If start taking them today, you can come back to the hospital in about a week."

He put Eli's broken finger into a tiny splint and excused himself as Eli walked back over to Clare's room. He began to gather his things up as quietly as he could, dreading the conversation that would follow if she happened to wake up.

Despite his carefulness, she stirred out of her rest.

"Where- where… you… going?" She whimpered groggily.

"The doctor said I have pneumonia… I have to go home." Eli forced out through in a thick voice. He really did feel sore, and tired, and sick. His lungs burned with every breath and his body felt heavy in general.

"No… Please don't leave me." She begged, desperation dripping from every word.

"I don't exactly have a choice… I'll call you, I promise."

Her face fell in complete dismay. "Just. Fucking. Leave. I don't need you…"

"Clare, stop that." Eli pleaded softly, wanting her to understand _so_ badly that he wouldn't ever leave her side, if it were up to him.

"Get out!" She screamed, her face reddening from the stress. She wanted him next to her so desperately, but she hated it.

She wanted to know that she would be okay alone, but it felt so wrong for him to leave.

"I'll call."

"…Don't…"

"I will… I'll be back in a week, I promise. Look at me, Clare… I'll be back."

Clare looked up at him with betrayal carved all over her face. "A-a week?"

"That's what the doctor said… I know it's-"

"Goodbye, Eli."

Her end of the conversation was clearly over.

She was emotionally cut-off from the world, eyes wide open and staring blankly above her.

She looked like a helpless animal, trapped in a cage full of pain.

He was afraid to leave her, terrified even.

But he was more afraid to add another sickness onto what was already an extensive list of problems.

Hanging his head in defeat, he turned around slowly before muttering, "I'll be back, Clare, okay?"

With that, he left.

For the first time since she jumped, she was completely alone, in the world _and _in her growing misery.

The restraints held her firmly in her place.

And that was a good thing.

If it were not for her immobility, she would have run out of that God-forsaken room and up to the roof of the hospital…

And without a second thought, she would have jumped.

Again.

_**Eli's left.**_

_**Uh oh.**_

_**Reviews are lovely food for my fanfic brain.**_

_**Thanks!**_

_**Vann**_


	6. He Loved

_**Chapter 6 of Jump! Enjoy, lovelies. **_

_**P.S Trigger warning. SI ensues. **_

_**Vann**_

Eli stumbled through the front door of his parent's home and promptly crumpled on the couch. He heard footsteps on the stairs and braced himself for the lengthy conversation that would surely ensue. He hadn't spoken to either of his parents in over 24 hours, and he had no clue if they'd heard about what happened.

"How is she?" Bullfrog asked from the bottom of the stairs, concern peppering his voice. "I watched the news… We saw that you were okay, and figured you'd be home soon enough… I tried calling, but I'm sure your phone is fried now, huh?" He chuckled tensely and sighed, "Really though, how's Clarabelle?"

Eli shook his head, unable to speak without the emotion busting out of him.

Bullfrog sat down on the couch next to him and squeezed his shoulder firmly. "Your mom and I… we're real proud of you, kiddo. Not many kids would do a thing like that for someone else."

"She's not just someone else… It's Clare, dad… I…I…" Eli's face crumpled and tears drizzled down from his weary eyes. Bullfrog wrapped his arms around his son and patted him sympathetically on the back. "She was… dead… She didn't have a pulse or anything and-and she was blue and I was so scared, Bullfrog… She had c-cuts all over her and… and burns and she was m-mad that someone saved her…" Eli ranted, an outpouring of emotions escaping with his hysterics. "She just jumped, like I wasn't even there, like it wasn't a big deal and she told me… That she was raped and she looked so broken… I don't know, I don't know." Eli shook uncontrollably and let the sobs run their courses through his body. "And-and the doctor said I had pneumonia and that I couldn't go back for a week and I'm scared. I'm so scared- I need pill- I think I'm- panic-attack." Eli gasped for oxygen and curled up into himself on the couch, trying to respire to no avail. The pneumonia wasn't helping the cause either. He felt Bullfrog pull him up and set the pill in his mouth. He swallowed deeply and fell back onto the cushion, clutching desperately onto his dad as he forced copious amounts of oxygen into his tired lungs.

Slowly, he regained his composure and managed to fall into a fitful rest. He dreamt that Clare was happy and okay and, though it was only in his dreams, he felt like the world was alright again.

()()()()()()()()()()()

"How long have you been experiencing suicidal ideations, Clare?"

The psychiatrist stared at her expectantly and Clare scoffed at him, rolling her eyes dramatically as she chewed at the skin around her fingernails. He looked so ridiculously professional that she couldn't take him seriously at all. The man was wearing vintage bifocals that sat awkwardly on the tip of his nose. His tie was an obnoxious yellow shade that reminded Clare of baby poop, and his suit was at least a size too small. He sported a comb-over hairdo, with the occasional grey spiking out from the thinning locks of black.

He was the stereotypical shrink, and Clare just wasn't buying into it.

"Clare?"

"What!" She spat, eyeing at him irately before returning to her nails. She'd already gnawed off the entire top layer of skin and was working at the raw under-layer.

"Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"I'll pass."

"Tell me about school."

"I'm going to fail; it's not worth talking about."

He eyed her strangely and looked down at the clipboard in his hand. "Your mother said that you're an all A student."

"My _mother_ doesn't know anything." Clare mocked as she plucked out strands of her hair, one by one, relishing in the tiny shocks of pain that numbed her skull.

"Self-injury isn't going to help you, Clare." The man lectured, nudging his glasses up with his thumb.

Clare felt indignation toward the man. He talked _at_ her as if she was a young child. Everyone in the hospital acted like she was completely insane. She hadn't seen anybody that she knew since Eli left. Her mother hadn't come back, which Clare was grateful for, but still irritated by. At least the people that knew her were aware that she wasn't crazy…

She really wasn't crazy; she was just tired of being alive.

Why was that such a big deal? You can't force someone to want to be alive.

"Tell me about your friend, Eli."

Clare stopped chewing at her nail and eyeballed him intently. "What about him?"

"Your mother says that the two of you have quite the history. She said that he also has some mental health problems."

"Also?" Clare hissed, "_I_ don't have mental problems, asshole! I was _raped_." The word left a bitter taste in her mouth. "You know what? I want a new shrink. Preferably one who showers on a regular basis…? Get out… I'm done talking." Clare shot him a sardonic smile and he excused himself, discernibly dispirited.

For a brief moment, guilt tugged at her heart strings.

The feeling made her sick and she quickly repressed it back into irritation.

_The only problem I have is my stupid mother and her new family. Mental health issues? Seriously?_

She continued to tug out strands of hair, resisting the urge to rip off her bandages and pick at the scabs on her arms. She imagined the seething ache of ripping the coverings from her wounds and found herself craving the sensation. She pulled out larger chunks of hair at a time to intensify the feeling. She shut her eyes and savored the twinges of distraction, even if they only lasted briefly.

"Ms. Edwards?" A nurse asked. Clare opened her eyes and stared at the woman blankly.

"We're moving you today. I'm going to unhook these monitors and then I'll help you into a wheelchair. I'm sure you're still feeling pretty sore. " The nurse smiled sweetly and began to undo the various things that she was hooked up to.

"Where am I being moved to?"

"Well…" The nurse twitched uncomfortably and forced a smile onto her face. "You aren't an intensive care patient anymore…We have to send you up to the psychiatric ward."

Clare flared her nostrils angrily and exhaled with annoyance. "The psych ward? Really?"

"I thought the Dr. Clark told you…"

"No, he didn't." Clare sneered, feeling out of control with her emotions. Fear crept upon her as she fully digested the facts.

_Psych ward. _

_Psycho ward…_

The words held such a stigma. She didn't even know how to react, or how to deal with the information.

"Can I please make a phone call? Please?" She asked fearfully, desperate for any form of familiarity at that moment.

The nurse nodded and handed her one of the hospital phones. "I'll come back when you're off the phone and we'll get you settled into your new room… It's really not as bad as you think, I promise."

Clare blinked a few times and nodded softly, willing the nurse out of the room so she could make her call.

When she was finally alone, she dialed the number frantically and prayed with all of her strength that someone would pick up on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Can I speak with Eli, please?" She begged, not wanting to come across as needy, but not caring enough to stop herself.

"It's me, Clare… Are you okay? What's up?"

"They're, uh, they're transferring me to the psych ward… I'm scared, Eli…" She whispered, picking at her scalp and scratching off flakes of her skin nervously.

"Oh…Well, it'll-it'll be okay...okay? Just listen to the doctors and you'll be fine. I'll visit you as soon as I feel better, okay? I'll send some friends to visit you. How does that sound?"

"I don't know, Eli…"

"Trust me, Clare."

She cleared her throat tiredly and answered, "I do trust you… I'm sorry that you got pneumonia… That was my fault."

"It was worth it. Don't apologize."

She could practically hear his smirk and felt oddly comforted by the familiarity.

"You mean it?" She asked.

"Of course. It's every man's dream to rescue the damsel in distress, Clare. You've given me writing material for the next 4 years."

Clare laughed and felt pain shoot up her body. "Don't make me laugh! It hurts… Please don't bring Clara Edwin back…"

"Definitely not. I'll change the name up a bit… How about Ella Clarwin?"

Clare scoffed and smiled through the phone. "I think you can do better than that."

"I'll brainstorm and run them by you the next time we talk… say, eight-ish?"

"Sure… that'd be great." Clare knew the call was winding down and felt helplessness overtaking her. She clutched onto her composure wildly and tried to calm her voice. "Bye…"

"Wait… Clare?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not saying it to be weird or anything like that, okay?"

"Okay?"

"I love you, Clare. Feel better." He said, without even the slightest wavering of his voice, before hanging up. His words warmed her entire body.

Love was something that she hadn't felt in a long time.

It wasn't as if he said it in a romantic way, either. He loved her like a friend, like family, and _maybe_ like more… but that wasn't what provoked the statement.

He just wanted her to feel loved, and she just wanted to feel loved.

It was perfect and innocent and… everything that her life was not.

She let a few tears break through her tough façade…but only a few, because she wasn't quite ready to face her demons just yet.

()()()()()()()()()()

The psychiatric ward smelled like cotton balls and antiseptic, which made Clare want to retch and wail and kill people all at the same time.

The room was practically barren, minus the bed and several pair of restraints that were secured to the wall. The walls were white, but Clare didn't mind. After hanging up with Eli, she'd fallen back into the quiet shell of melancholy that was her life. She moved to the psych ward without a fight and without a word. She knew that it made people uneasy when she went from furious and screaming to silent and polite in such a short time, but she couldn't control her emotions.

She felt hollow and vile and wrong and sad… and dead.

It hurt to be alive.

A different nurse walked into the room and grinned at her widely, receiving no reciprocation, but not letting it break her cheery stride. She was short and pudgy with dark skin and looked to be in her early 40's. She had an especially friendly face and wore a pair of baby blue scrubs that were soothing to the eye. Her name tag read Nurse Teresa.

"Well, hello there! How are we this morning?" She asked in a chipper tone.

Clare looked down at her lap and bit down on her lip. She didn't feel like talking.

Or doing anything, for that matter.

"That good, huh?" The nurse joked, laughing heartily before staring at Clare's chart in her hand and reciting some of the information from it, "Clare? That's a pretty name. Clare... Clare… Clare Clare Clare." She said a few times, as if she were testing it out. "Pretty name. Anyways, why was I in here again?" She looked at Clare expectantly and dazed off for a moment.

Clare inclined in her bed and closed her eyes unenthusiastically. Being alive felt like it was too much of an effort at the moment, and she just wanted the nice nurse to leave her to her misery. She glanced at the clock. It was only 6… 2 more hours until she got to talk to Eli again.

She never would have imagined that so much of her strength and support would come from Eli. When he was around, she didn't feel _as _hopeless. That's not to say that she felt great, but she felt like she was safe, at least, for a little while.

And she felt like maybe, just maybe, she could feel better one day.

She peeked through her closed eyelids and saw that Nurse Teresa was still standing near the bed, contemplating something.

"Ah! Now I remember!" She rushed out of the room and started talking to someone out in the hallway. "Clare's got a visitor!" She exclaimed as she opened the door and pulled a person into the room with her.

"Clare Edwards, hello."

_**Well, that was chapter 6! I liked it.**_

_**Don't any of you start thinking that Clare's all better now, because she's not.**_

_**Please review? Thanks lovers. ; )**_

_**Vann**_


	7. He Lied

_**Sorry it took me forever to update this one! I got a new job and stuff, so I've been really busy.**_

_**Vann**_

_**P.S Enjoy and please review? : )**_

"Clare Edwards, hello."

Clare tried to hide the expression of complete shock and confusion on her face, but it was apparent to everyone in the room that she was caught off of her guard. Was this Eli's idea of a joke? Did he think this would do anything but make her more uncomfortable and miserable?

Clare nodded at the smaller girl and Imogen took a seat next to Clare's bed. She held a large bag on her shoulder and swung it down to the floor. It hit with a thud and Clare jumped anxiously.

"Sorry." Imogen smiled sympathetically as she unzipped the bag and pulled out the first book in the Harry Potter series. "Eli told me that you really like Harry Potter. I do too, so I figured I could read some to you."

Without another word exchanged, Imogen flipped the book open and began to read to the completely bewildered and amused Clare. The girl was beyond different, but she was a welcomed change from the Hell that was the psych ward. Clare listened intently to the epic adventures of Harry from the beginning of her favorite book series and let her mind wander with the story. Imogen read the content with great passion in her voice, keeping Clare completely focused on the words.

For that short while, Clare forgot that she was in the hospital. She forgot that she wanted to die. She forgot that she was _raped._

All she could see was the beautiful imagery and the words of J.K Rowling dancing in her mind.

After what seemed like only a few minutes, Imogen grabbed a book mark out of her duffle and placed it on the page before closing the book.

"Page 53 marked and ready for next time." Imogen smiled at Clare and noticed how haggard she appeared. She felt a pang of pity for her acquaintance.

Clare sighed and once again sunk hopelessly into the mattress of her hospital bed, the realizations of her circumstances bearing heavily on her attitude.

Rumors about Clare's situation circulated around Degrassi within minutes of her suicide attempt. Imogen had heard everything from Clare shooting herself, Clare raping Jake, Clare and Eli trying to kill Jake, Clare trying to blow up a bridge, Eli raping Clare. The thoughts and accusations made her sick to her stomach and she knew that it was only a matter of time before Clare was made aware of other people's misunderstandings.

The only reason Imogen knew the truth was because of Eli. He'd called, begging her to visit Clare and trying to explain the situation, in full, without divulging too many details that would upset her.

It didn't take much deduction to conclude that Clare was violated, and that she had attempted suicide. The way that Eli was talking, and the fact that Clare was now frequenting the Psychiatric ward of a hospital were both fairly reliable indicators of the situation.

And it didn't take much listening in the halls of Degrassi to discover that Jake Martin was being held in prison on bail.

Imogen didn't know if it was her place to say anything to the other girl, but she couldn't possibly live with herself if she didn't say _something._

"Clare," She began, provoking a look of expectation from the other girl. Imogen's nerves frayed and she didn't know if she was ready to reveal one of her most painful and personal secrets to someone that she couldn't even consider a friend. She shook the anxiety away and remembered her promise to Eli, the promise that she'd try to help Clare. She continued. "I know that we've never been the best of friends, and I know that you probably don't feel comfortable talking to me, but I… I kind of understand what you're going through." Imogen looked down at her hands timidly and rubbed them together in attempt to assuage the nausea that had come out of nowhere. "My father's brother was a drug addict. He got himself into some legal trouble and my dad let him move into our house, to keep him off of the streets. He thought that Eric was harmless… So did I, until I woke up in the middle of the night and his hand was i-in my pajama pants." Imogen swallowed hard and looked up at Clare with sympathy in her eyes. "I still get nightmares sometimes and I have a hard time with intimacy and trust... I know it's not the same situation, but if you ever need someone to talk to…"

Clare bit down on her lip and tried not to cry.

_This isn't the time to cry, Edwards. Don't make her uncomfortable. Imogen is being nice for once… Don't ruin this with your stupid emotions._

Clare looked away from Imogen and rung her hands, swallowing back the emotions that were threatening, once again, to break her.

"I'll give you some time alone. I'll come back in a few days and we can keep reading, okay?" Imogen gathered her things quickly and practically ran to the door. Before exiting, she turned around one final time and looked at Clare with her lips turned upward in a sweet smile. "Sometimes when I get depressed about everything that's happened, I just close my eyes and think about bunnies. I know that sounds weird, but it really helps me… Bye for now, Clare." Imogen rushed out of the room and took a deep breath, trying desperately to clear her mind.

She ripped her cell phone out and dialed the only number that came to mind.

"Eli, its Imogen."

()()()()()()()()()()()

This isn't right.

I don't belong in here.

It smells like human shit and sweat, creepy douchebags are looking at me like I'm fresh meat for the picking and the guards treat us like the dirt beneath their feet.

I don't belong in here. I'm not a fucking criminal.

Clare loved me, okay? She did! She told me that she loved me! And she threw herself at me when we were together. She _wanted _me to take her virginity! She said so herself!

I did her a _favor._ She was so… untouched and innocent. I helped her become a woman.

I loved her and she loved me! We shouldn't have broken up! She knew that I still wanted her.

She was a tease, always walking around in those low-cut pajama shirts and tank tops and swishing her hips like she was modeling for me.

She was inviting me to come into her room. Maybe not with words, but she was leading me on, okay? I know girls! I know when a girl is into me, and Clare was definitely into me.

She _wanted_ to have sex with me. And as soon as I can convince them of that, I can go home…

Things won't be the same as they were. My dad is disgusted with me. Helen is freaked out. And Clare tried to…

It's not my fault. She must have had some other reason for trying to off herself.

She wanted me as much as I wanted her.

I'm not a rapist.

I'm not a rapist…

I'm not a _fucking_ rapist.

"Jacob Martin, you have some visitors." A guard calls for me. I stand up and the guy who's sitting next to me scoots over and grunts. He's so nasty. This cell is crawling with bugs and deadbeats. I walk over to the cell door and he unlocks it, pulls me out roughly and locks it back up. My handcuffs are digging into the flesh of my arms leaving red pressure marks.

I've been here for three days, but it feels like years. The only visitor I've had is some lawyer that my dad hired. My bail hearing is tomorrow, and we had to discuss the possibility of me being stuck here until trial, since I won't be taking a plea bargain.

Why should I plead guilty when there is no proof? Alex was with me, and there is no way he'll rat me out when his ass is also on the line. Everybody knows that Clare is a drama queen. They'll all say that she is lying for attention and she's mad that I'm with Jenna. It's her word against mine, a charming young man against a dramatic girl.

I've got nothing to worry about.

The guard leads me to the visiting room and sits me down at a table before cuffing my ankle to the table leg. He leaves the room and comes back with two girls. The one has mascara dripping down her cheeks and her blonde hair thrown up into a messy bun, but I can't help but grin at her. My girlfriend is on my side, of course. Next to her is Alli Bhandari, looking uncomfortable but peppy as always. The guard walks them over to me and I smile my most sincere grin at them.

I didn't do anything wrong, so why should I act guilty?

"Jake…" Jenna sniffles, more tears falling down her face as she sits at the seat across from me. Alli sits next to her and avoids eye-contact. I don't blame her, I feel awkward as well.

Jenna buries her face in her hands and I can't help but feel bad. I like Jenna a lot. She can be pretty annoying and bitchy, but she's my girlfriend. I don't want her to cry over me.

"Jake," Alli says, staring at the table, "we've heard a lot of rumors about you and Clare." She practically chokes on the last word and my stomach starts to hurt. Jenna and Alli hate Clare. There is no way they will take her side.

Right?

Jenna looks up at me, her big blue eyes dripping with make-up and rimmed red.

I'm starting to feel pretty crappy.

"It's all lies, baby. I have you! Why would I even _touch_ my step-sister? Jenna, Alli, you know how Clare is… She's a drama queen… I just can't believe she would take it this far." I state, the words leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.

Maybe I'm lying a little bit, but nobody will know that.

"Yeah," Jenna nods, looking a bit happier, "you're right. But why would she try to kill herself, Jake? Isn't that a bit much?"

"Probably just to make Jake look bad." Alli chimes in, looking more confident now. "She was really pissed off when you guys got together. She's probably just making up stuff for spite… typical Clare."

"She's crazy." I add, the pain in my stomach growing with every word I say. "She probably knew that her ex would see her at the bridge and save her. It was all staged." I force a smile at the girls and clench my teeth before saying, "He was probably in on it."

"What a bitch." Jenna says, the tears halted in her eyes and a smile on her face for the first time since she got here, "I just want you out of here, Jakey. When do you get to come home?"

"Soon, baby." I promise her, knowing that it's probably not true, but I've already lied, so why not continue?

I refuse to worry and get upset.

There is no proof.

Clare loves me.

She wanted me.

Nobody will believe her and this will all go away.

I'm not a fucking rapist.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Imo, how was Clare?" Eli answered immediately.

"Well, hello to you too, Eli." Imogen shot back sarcastically, though her heart wasn't really in it. "She's not doing well. I'm not even friends with her and I wanted to cry when I saw her… How much longer until you can visit her? I think she really needs you." Imogen's voice sounded thick and teary. The whole situation was just hitting her way too close to home.

"5 days, according to the doctor. Do you think she'll be okay for 5 more days?" Eli asked hopefully before a fit of coughs escaped his burning lungs, rendering him dizzy and breatheless.

"No, I don't." Imogen walked down a hospital corridor when something on a cart full of medical supplies caught her attention. "But… I have an idea. I'll be at your house in a half hour, Goldsworthy. Sit tight."

He heard the click on the other line and tossed his phone aside carelessly. He leaned back on the recliner, half-heartedly watching a cartoon on the television with a blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders. His body was miserable, every inch aching weakly. His heart hurt the most of anything.

Clare was raped, and he couldn't fix it. He hadn't been there to stop it. Beautiful, innocent Clare Edwards was robbed of her innocence by someone whom she'd trusted and cared about. Her life was so terrible that she tried to end it, yet everybody else acted like it was no big deal, like the world wasn't crashing down around her.

Her sadness was so deeply repressed that he feared the day she open up and finally mourn her loss.

He tried to block out the possibilities of what she might do when that day arrived.

"Eli?" He heard someone say softly. He muted the television and waited for the person to make an appearance. His mother stepped in front of him, worry painted across her pretty features.

"Hey, mom." He said lifelessly, uncomfortably with the sudden communication. They hadn't spoken since he'd come home, and he thought she probably wanted to give him some space. He appreciated the gesture, but a hug from his mother was starting to sound like the best thing in the entire world. "What's up?" He croaked out.

CeCe sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulder. "Bullfrog and I would like to visit Clare. Do you think that's a good idea?"

Eli nodded lightly at his mother and leaned into her half-hug, his lower lip quivering dangerously. He couldn't help himself as he wrapped both of his arms around her waist and buried his face into her neck. He could feel the sadness and fear in him like a knife to his heart, a constant threat to his composure. The floodgates opened and Eli melted miserably into his momma's arms, crying like a young child over a lost toy or missed television show.

"Baby boy…" CeCe whimpered, holding her son like she had during every other bad event in his life; his first bully, his first break-up, Julia's death, his car accident. "It's gonna be alright, Eli. Clare's a strong girl. She'll pull through this."

"But-"

"No buts. You will stand by that girl for however long it takes. You will help her. And she _will _get better. Look at me, baby." CeCe grabbed his chin and pulled it up to look at him. Her son looked like a lost puppy, so adorably terrified, that she couldn't help but smile and hug him tighter. "Clare will get through this."

Eli nodded. He had no choice but to believe her words.

After a few minutes, they heard a loud knock on the door.

Eli jumped.

_**He jumped, see? haha**_

_**I hope you liked it! I'm gonna steal something from The Cliffhanger Girl and say that the 45**__**th**__** review will get a sneak peek of the next chapter.**_

_**So review please? Thanks. : )**_

_**Vannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn**_


	8. She Spoke

_**Thank you so much to my lovely reviewers. I'm sorry if I don't respond to every one of them, it's because I forget who I've responded to and I don't want to respond over and over again.**_

_**So I'll say thanks to all 9 of you that reviewed for the last chapter. LOVE YOU.**_

_**On to chapter 8!**_

_**Vann**_

_**P.S. When you picture Clare's therapist, I want you to picture Dr. House. Okay? Okay. But he's not a medical doctor in this story. He's a psychiatrist. Just go with it. **_

_**P.S.S Before you tell me that my depiction of a psychiatric ward is off, I feel compelled to inform you that my father is an R.N manager at a psych hospital for the criminally insane, so I'm not just making things up. **_

The front door swung open and Imogen sauntered into the house, a large bag clutched excitedly in her arms. CeCe eyeballed her curiously before excusing herself from the room, not entirely sure that she wanted in on whatever scheme that the pigtailed girl had concocted.

"Are you ready to love me, Goldsworthy?" Imogen asked, setting the bag down triumphantly on the Eli's living room floor.

Eli smirked warily before opening up the bag. "Medical supplies, Imo? Really?"

Imogen placed a paper mask over Eli's mouth before he could protest and grabbed a bottle of hand sanitizer from the bag, lathering up both of his hands and arms. She swiftly put a pair of non-latex gloves on his sterilized hands and sprayed him with a disinfectant.

"I'd say the odds of spreading your sickness have decreased considerably. No need to thank me." She leered, pushing him out through the front door of his house. "Mrs. Goldsworthy, would you like to take a road trip?" Imogen called out to the older woman. CeCe began to protest from the other room until she saw Eli's garb. She let a startled chuckle escape from her throat before she grabbed her jacket from the coat rack.

"Bullfrog, I'm leaving for the hospital in five. You'd better throw some pants on."

()()()()()()()()

Nurse Teresa walked into Clare's room, beaming brightly as always.

"How was your visit?" She asked cheerfully. She didn't expect an answer, but felt obligated to ask none-the-less. Something about Clare really struck a chord with her, but she couldn't place exactly what it was.

"It was fine, thank you." Clare said politely, giving the nurse a quick smile before returning her attention to her short, bloody fingernails.

"Honey, if you keep biting those, we'll have to put you in restraints."

Clare let her hands drop down to her sides and sighed deeply. The tension that was building up inside of her felt _dangerous_. Her inner agony grew by the second, begging her to let it take over, to let it control her, to let it consume her until she was but a shell of Clare Edwards, just a sliver of the strong, intelligent girl that she had once been.

"I_ can't_ continue to sit here and think about my life." Clare breathed out before she could stop herself. She dared to look up at the nurse, who made immediate eye contact with Clare's icy blues, as if telling her to continue, to spill out all of her thoughts. The invitation scared her, but Clare knew that she had nothing left to lose. "Please, tell me how it's helpful to sit in this room and think about everything in my life that has gone wrong? All I can do is _dwell_ on terrible things, things that no person should have to endure. When I'm alone, I relive it over and over again, and it's torture… It makes _no_ sense to me that I'm left alone in this room, like an animal trapped in a cage… I'm telling you right now; there's too much time to think in here, and it's making everything _so much worse_."

Nurse Teresa nodded seriously, the words of her patient sinking in heavily on her heart.

She never experienced a patient in that ward of the hospital who spoke to her as logically and honestly as Clare. In the psychiatric ward, most patients kicked and screamed when they were unhappy, thrashing around violently until they were injected with a sedative or placed in restraints. Others remained catatonic in their beds, soiling themselves and receiving their nutrition through feeding tubes and , unresponsive to the world around them.

Most of those patients had psychiatric illnesses; schizophrenia, severe bipolar disorder, dissociative identities or anti-social personalities, to name just a few.

This girl, Teresa knew, was unlike the rest.

She was broken, badly broken, but shining remnants of a happy, teenaged girl were still present.

"I'll see what I can do for you, Clare. Just be strong and try not to think too much. I'll see what I can do." Nurse Teresa promised before leaving the room once again.

Clare nodded weakly, hoping against hope that this stranger would come through for her.

If her past didn't make her crazy enough, the white walls of Psych ward room 318 certainly would.

Every second alone felt like hours. When she closed her eyes, Jake Martin appeared to her, flashes of his drunken smile, his bulky hands clasping her mouth shut and muffling her desperate, whimpering cries for a savior.

She shot her eyes back open, praying to God that the memories would cease, if even just for a few minutes. She craved even seconds of solace from her flashbacks.

But she knew that God had given up on her long ago, long before she'd been raped, long before Jake was even in her life.

God had given up on her at birth.

If he hadn't, he wouldn't have created her just to torture her and watched her get beaten down.

"Well, hello there, sunshine." A sarcastic voice called out from the foot of the doorway, interrupting her self-loathing meditation.

She shot her gaze up, jumping into defense mode against the intruder. Her body tensed up painfully and she clenched her fists, ready to fight him if the situation arose.

"Since you bullied Dr. what's-his-nuts into dropping your case, the hospital decided that you needed a different type of therapist." The man hobbled in, using a cane to guide his steps before plopping down into the chair at the edge of her bed. "That would be me, in case you were wondering. My name is Greg. Don't call me doctor. Don't call me sir. Just call me Greg. Got that?"

Clare nodded lazily, already not caring for the gruff gentleman, but much more comfortable around him than the last guy she'd had as a shrink. She calmed a bit, but remained in her fight-or-flight mentality, as always when an unfamiliar man was near her.

"Let's skip the formalities of this and get right into the heart of the matter. Sound good?" He leaned forward in the chair, resting his weight on the cane and eyeing Clare intensely. "Tell me how you feel."

Clare debated keeping up the silent act so she wouldn't have to find the right thing to say. Judging by how fast the hospital had sent her in another shrink, she knew that she wasn't getting out of here without some kind of clearance from a psychiatrist. She silently decided to go along with it for a while.

_Why the Hell not? I don't have anything to lose._

"I feel like shit." She stated quietly, glaring at a spot of mold on the wall.

"Why?"

"Do you know anything about me?" Clare spat, wishing that her anger would just go away for a bit, instead of rearing its ugly head at the slightest irritation. Even though she knew her anger was out of hand at times, it felt justifiable at that moment.

Why _shouldn't _she feel like shit? Life was shitty.

"Actually, _no_. I like to go into these things blind. It makes it easier to tell when someone is crazy as Hell, or if they're just looking for attention."

"Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm neither of those things." Clare crossed her arms defiantly.

"I think I'll be the judge of that." He grumbled, awkwardly shifting in the chair before returning his impenetrable gaze to Clare. "Give me three guesses as to why you are in here, and if I don't guess right, I'll bring you your favorite type of smoothie the next time I'm come by."

"And if you do guess it?"

"You have to tell me how you feel. Deal?"

Clare was charmed by the idea of a strawberry banana smoothie at that moment, and nodded her head eagerly. "Okay, deal."

He rubbed his scruffy face as he studied her, taking in the bruising on her bony arms, the scars, the puffiness of her face and small smears on the tips and edges of her fingers.

"Let me guess… mommy and daddy walked in on you cutting yourself, and they left you here because they were ill-equipped to deal with it." He said smugly, hopeful that he'd hit the nail on the head.

Clare scoffed at the thought of her parents paying attention to her long enough to walk in on such a thing. "Nope, two guesses left."

"You're either anorexic or bulimic… Your parents left you here because they are afraid that you're going to starve yourself to death." He stated bluntly, without skipping a beat.

She shook her head arrogantly, happy that she'd most likely get her smoothie and avoid the discussion of feelings. "If I were anorexic, why would I want a smoothie so badly?"

"Hm, smart girl… Okay, School-related mental breakdown. You're here because you need to learn how to deal with your stress and emotions." He said concretely, positive that he had the right answer. This girl didn't look out of the ordinary from any other teen girl he'd worked with. They'd all had similar problems; self-injury, eating disorders, stress, anxiety, depression. Their parents had all forced them into the psychiatric ward, in fear that they would harm themselves if some kind of intervention didn't take place. Most of them just needed to get away for a few days and, with therapy, were able to go back to their normal lives, free of harmful behavior.

He had no reason to think that Clare Edwards was any different.

Clare shook her head at him once more, an arrogant smirk playing at her lips, happy that she wasn't as easy-to-read as Greg had thought.

"Seriously? I didn't get it right?" He asked incredulously, taken aback that his radar was off. "I'll know if you're lying. I can go get your chart right now."

He watched her tense up again and close her eyes tightly. He couldn't tell if it was because she was lying, or if it was because she didn't want him to see her chart. Something told him it was the latter.

"I'll take your word for it."

She calmed a bit and looked up at him weakly. "I wouldn't lie."

Greg nodded at the young girl and sighed, "Well, since I lost, you don't have to tell me how you feel today." He pushed himself back onto his feet with help from the cane and walked over to the door. "What kind of smoothie?"

"Strawberry banana."

He raised a brow at her. "Gross… See you tomorrow."

()()()()()()()()()

Eli, CeCe and Bullfrog waited outside the door of Clare's hospital room for her therapy session to conclude. Eli sat on the floor, anxiously tapping his foot as he thought of seeing Clare again. His hands were sweating thickly in the plastic gloves, and his face felt like it was on fire due to the mask.

He had to admit, Imogen was smart for coming up with this idea.

Even though his body was still tired, he knew Clare needed him, and he'd be there for her.

He was nervous about CeCe and Bullfrog coming with him, but he thought parental figures might be good for Clare, seeing as she was currently without.

Her door opened and a man hobbled out of the room.

He looked like a douche-bag, Eli noted, as he watched the man walk away without even an exchange of formalities.

_I wonder why they gave Clare the asshole shrink…_

Eli looked at both of his parents and sighed, "Remember, don't bring up anything unpleasant, don't talk about the case, don't say anything about therapy. Okay?"

The adults nodded and grabbed onto their sick son, pulling him up from the ground and holding him while his shaky legs steadied themselves.

"Calm down, son." Bullfrog said gruffly before giving Eli a slight nudge toward the door. "It's now or never."

He tiptoed through the door quietly, motioning for his parents to stay back while he checked on. She lay in her bed lazily, playing with the hem of her white blanket and chewing on her cheek with concentration. Eli noted that more bruises were noticeable on her arms and neck now, probably caused by her jump or his desperate attempt to get her to shore.

He flinched at the thought and shook it away, not wanting to go down the path of those memories just yet.

"H-hey." He croaked out, more like a question than a greeting. She didn't move from her concentration.

He moved forward quietly and sat down on the end of her bed.

She startled and clenched her fists together, flying back in the bed, completely terrified of the sudden presence in the room. Her eyes scrunched shut and she went back into fight-or-flight, kicking wildly at the intruder, despite the soreness of her body.

"Clare," She heard his say, though it was muffled behind… something. "It's Eli! It's me!"

She stopped her thrashing let out the breath that she'd been holding in. She dared to open one eye and look down at the sickly boy sitting across from her. He was decked out in hospital gear, but he was unmistakably the boy who saved her life.

"Eli!" She screamed, crawling across the bed despite her pain, throwing her arms around his neck, and engulfing him in the most intense hug of his life. She sobbed into his shoulder, heaving up at down with intensity and _relief _that he was once again present and touchable in her life. "I-I…"

Eli hugged her back, careful not to hurt her but oh-so-happy to hold her and know that she was safe in his arm. "Sh… don't say anything. You don't have to speak."

Clare continue to cry into his neck, tears of relief and anxiety and bottled-up torture just spilling out onto his skin and dripping down all over the collar of his black t-shirt.

"Missed-you." She choked, barely loud enough for him to hear.

But he heard it, ever so faintly, and smiled before whispering, "I missed you too."

CeCe and Bullfrog inched into the room and couldn't help but watch their son and the girl with him. Eli's arms were wrapped around her protectively, his eyes closed and his face shining with contentment as he whispered into her ear. Clare was buried into him, the only part of her head that was visible were messy curls that tangled into each other. Her shoulders heaved up and down rapidly with every cry.

After what seemed like hours, Clare pulled away from his embrace and wiped her eyes frantically. She eyed him happily before simply saying, "Hi, Eli."

He chuckled and wiped the tears from his own face, just smearing them around with his gloves. "Hi, Clare."

He settled her back down in her bed and planted an innocent kiss on her cheek, through his mask.

"Would you be okay with more visitors?" Eli asked, glancing over at the door to see if his parents were spying.

Clare shifted uneasily and leaned back into him, enjoying the calming feeling of his touch. "S-sure."

"You guys can come in now." Eli called out toward the hallway.

Much to Clare's surprise, CeCe and Bullfrog Goldsworthy walked in.

_**I know that it's been on day three for like three chapters, but it worked for me, so I went with it.**_

_**Things will start progressing faster soon, I promise.**_

_**Reviews would be nice.**_

_**YAY FOR FROSTIVAL TONIGHT.**_

_**Vann**_


	9. He Wept

_**Sorry about taking so long to update. I've been working like crazy.**_

_**I hope you enjoy!**_

_**Vann**_

Clare ground her teeth at the sight of her ex-boyfriend's parents and gripped tightly to Eli's arm. Eli noticed her tension immediately and rubbed her back soothingly with one hand, holding securely to her arm for support. He knew how difficult it was for Clare to be exposed and vulnerable to people, but she couldn't stay hidden from the world forever.

CeCe locked arms with Bullfrog and smiled at Clare, forcing a cheerful disposition in the less-than-comfortable situation. The air in the room felt somehow _thicker _with the four of them awkwardly huddled into the psychiatric ward room. Clare wanted nothing more than to disappear into the bleached sheets of her hospital bed as she felt the eyes of CeCe and Bullfrog boring into her.

"Hi, baby." CeCe whispered, clutching tightly to Bullfrog for support. "How's our girl doing?"

Clare breathed out shakily and bit down on her lip, blinking back her tears of weakness before offering an insincere smile to the older woman. "Just fine, CeCe. H-how are you?"

Clare acted as if the setting was absolutely normal, like it was not an out-of-the-ordinary situation, and like it hadn't been almost a year since she'd even seen the older couple. Her inability to acknowledge her whereabouts when other people were present was off-putting Eli.

CeCe nodded slightly before taking a seat at the edge of the bed. "We're all okay too…"

Bullfrog cleared his throat and motioned to his son, and then to the door. "Eli, let's give CeCe and Clare a minute alone."

Eli looked crossly at his father and shook his head. "No, we just got here and I'm not leaving Clare's side. Are you crazy?" He spat before moving closer to the girl in the bed and putting his hand gently on her shoulder. Bullfrog shot his son a mischievous grin and shook his head. He wrapped his arms around Eli's torso, constricting his son's arms, and dragged him up from the bed.

"What the-"

Bullfrog put one of his hands over Eli's mouth mask and smiled feebly at Clare as he dragged Eli in the direction of the door. Eli thrashed in his father's grip but failed to obtain freedom. "You girls have a nice talk. We'll be in the cafeteria… Is the food here any good?" Bullfrog joked.

Clare shrugged at Bullfrog and smiled slightly at his behavior. She was nervous about talking to CeCe, but _almost_ felt that it might be good to talk to another woman about what happened. She hadn't opened up to anyone about her attack, not even the police who questioned her. She'd given them general explanations, but hadn't elaborated on how she felt.

The older woman gripped onto her hand and offered it a supportivesqueeze as Bullfrog carried a belligerent Eli out of the room. As he was being escorted out, Eli stared into Clare's eyes, and she met his briefly, the look so intense between them that no words needed to be uttered.

Clare knew that it would be okay.

For a few minutes after the boys left, Clare and CeCe made small talk, neither woman not wanting to delve in the real issues at hand. CeCe recapped to Clare her encounter with an angry man at the supermarket earlier in the day, and Clare briefly told CeCe about Greg, the hard-ass therapist who owed her a smoothie. As the filler conversations died out, Clare tugged absent-mindedly at one of her dirty curls and swallowed the feelings of awkwardness and dread in her stomach.

It was quiet for a moment, both women avoiding each other's eyes before CeCe softly whispered, "Let me tell you about my senior year of high school."

Clare met her gaze and nodded, her heartbeat thumping so powerfully in her chest that she would have passed out if it weren't for the pillow propped beneath her middle-back.

CeCe grabbed Clare's hand, and the younger woman had a feeling that it wasn't for her, but for CeCe, to give her the strength she needed to tell her own story.

"I had this… boyfriend. His name was Francis, but everyone called him Brick… We met at a Metallica concert one night. I was pretty trashed, but he took me home… He made sure I got there safely, carried me in, the whole knight-in-shining-armor act." CeCe glanced up at Clare and flashed a half-smile that was filled with regret. Clare offered up a nod and tried not to vomit.

She knew where this story was going. It seemed to Clare that herself, CeCe and Imogen were all statistics in their own ways. Each were a dreaded "one-in-four" that middle school sex-ed had so carelessly skirted over during curriculum. They were three of many women victimized by family, friends, ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, even strangers on the street.

"I really thought he was a good guy." CeCe croaked out, blinking furiously and looking out the window of Clare's room, trying to find her words, yet trying not to choke on her bitter memories. "He took me to a party about 2 months after we met. We had a few shots, and he carried me up to a bedroom…" CeCe looked at Clare, dead in the eyes, as a single tear dripped out from her lower lid, and splashed down on the sheet. "I told him no, over and over again… I was a _virgin_." She spat the last word bitterly and clenched her jaw. Her face was contorted into a look of pain and disgust. "He just left me there, at the party… I had to take a cab home… in _ripped_ clothes… I wanted to die, Clare… I really did."

Clare closed her eyes and shook her head furiously. It killed her to think that Eli's mom had been through the same kind of pain as her, that she'd had the same thoughts about wanting to die. She didn't wish that on anyone.

I-It still bothers me, and I'm sure it always will... I never told anyone until I met Bullfrog. And now you know too... But it used to eat me up inside. " CeCe grabbed Clare's chin and pulled it up to look at her. "I know what you're thinking, baby. That it's your fault, that you should have fought more, that you must have done something wrong… It's _never_ your fault. Nobody has the right to do that to you. _Nobody… _I know that it feels like life isn't worth living now, but it is, I promise you, _it is_."

Clare bit her lip to fight her emotions, but it was to no avail. Her heart broke more with every second that she stared into the equally devastated eyes of CeCe Goldsworthy. She clutched onto CeCe and buried her head in her neck, letting her weak cries wrack her body. For the first time, she wasn't leaning on another person. They were leaning on each other.

A few minutes passed before CeCe pulled away from the hug and said, "You can tell me, Clare. Tell me what happened."

Clare knew that she needed this type of closure. She needed to let the words out that were clouding her head, the words that described her devastation, her violation and the hurt that led her to do the unthinkable. She took a moment to gather her composure before she spoke.

"Jake had a friend over that night. I-I didn't know him, so I stayed in my room and went to sleep early… I knew they were drinking and stuff, but Jake made me promise that I wouldn't tell my mom or Glen. He-He said that I'm his sister, and I'm supposed to have his back. I didn't tell them, CeCe. Looking back, I should have." Clare's hands were shaking as she continued; composure was a virtue that she no longer possessed. "I woke up a few hours later to the door opening. The next thing I knew, hands were over my mouth and… they were all over my body. I tried so hard to scream, but I could hardly breathe…" Clare wrapped her arms around her torso and pulled her knees up to her chest. "Jake c-called me a whore… They fought over who would go first, like it was a card game or something fun for them… Jake won." She croaked out the last word and buried her face in her hands. "It hurt so, so much. Like I was being ripped apart… They just laughed at me. They laughed at my pain, acted like raping me was just the funniest thing ever… I'll never understand why they laughed so much… But the next morning, they pretended like nothing happened. I locked myself in my room for 3 days, CeCe. I was too afraid to come out. And the next time I saw Jake, he just smiled at me and said, 'Feeling better, sis?'" Clare looked miserably up at CeCe. "The second he said that, I started planning my s-suicide. I knew I couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't live with him; I couldn't get over what happened… He ruined my life, and I didn't want to live with the consequences of his actions."

CeCe grabbed Clare's shoulder and pulled her in for a tight hug, "I'm so sorry that happened to you, babygirl. I wish I could fix your pain…" CeCe cried as she held the hysterical girl close to her. Her tears mingled with Clare's frizzy curls and Clare's swam down her pink cheeks and soaked CeCe's disheveled blouse. "He's going to pay, Clare. And your life will get better… You can stay with us. Bullfrog and Eli will get our guest room all ready for you. We'll take care of you, you will graduate, go to university, and your life will be amazing. Just please, please don't give up? Please." CeCe hugged tighter and ran her manicured nails softly over Clare's back. "We still love you, no matter what happened, Clare. Eli loves you so much. H-He can't survive losing someone else… Just let us take care of you, please? We need to know that you're safe."

Clare wiped her face frantically, the skin around her eyes burning with the raw tears that never seemed to stop. She felt so profoundly guilty that CeCe was offering up their home to _her,_ a complete basket-case, because the older woman was afraid that her son could not handle if Clare decided to end her life.

"CeCe… you don't have to do that. I don't need your pity. Eli will be fine, no matter what happens to me. I know that's why you're saying these things, for Eli, but I can't accept your offer. I-I can't be a burden to all of you, especially after I abandoned Eli when _he_ was… sick." Her voice broke again and she tried to mask the pain that she was feeling. The guiltiness and desolation was all too much.

"It's _not_ a burden. Bullfrog and I understand why you left Eli, we really do. He was scaring us too… But Clare, we forgave you a long time ago for what happened. So did Eli." CeCe reached up and tucked one of Clare's curls behind her ear and lifted her chin up to make eye contact. "He loves you_ so_ much. We all do. We just want to help you and show you that life is going to be better. No matter what happened between you and Eli, we care about you and will do anything to help you live again. We won't take no for an answer… You'll stay with us for as long as you need. We won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise."

That promise alone loosened the anxious knot that was permanently dwelling in Clare's stomach. "Y-you can't promise that."

"You underestimate the Goldsworthy family." CeCe grinned. "I know it's hard for you, but please trust us. Eli alone would give anything to make you happy again. We aren't doing this for Eli, or charity, okay? We're doing this for you."

Clare nodded and took a much-needed deep breath. A battle was raging in her heart, tugging her between two sides of negative emotions. The one side was apprehension, the worry about moving in with the Goldsworthy's, the fear that her issues would send Eli spiraling into psychosis or depression, and the doubt that it would even make a difference; she was but a lost cause. The other side was just terror; the extreme fright that, in denying CeCe's offer, she would be living on the streets, struggling to survive, struggling to forget about the attack that so savagely ruined her life, while having absolutely _no one_ to lean on. The horrible feelings that intricately formed the foundation for her suicide attempt were directly influencing all of her decision making after the fact. She wished it could be different, but Clare knew that the rest of her life could be completely controlled by _that_ night. The only thing she could comfortably do was accept help from CeCe, and know that she did in fact, have people in her life that wouldn't let her down as her own family had.

Clare nodded shyly at the other woman and resisted the urge to pick at her own skin, or pull out her hair. Emotions were coiled so tightly in her, she felt as if she'd explode without some kind of physical release.

"I need to use the bathroom. S-sorry." She muttered, delicately inching her legs off of the bed. Her feet hit the cold tiles roughly and she moaned in pain. CeCe wrapped an arm around her waist and eased her up. Clare felt embarrassed, but didn't fight the other woman. She needed the help, and she would accept it, not just for her sake, but for Eli's and CeCe's also. She had a feeling that CeCe needed to help her, to keep her alive, so she could feel like something good came out of her own attack, all of those years ago. They walked slowly over to the restroom, and as Clare shut the door behind her, she let out a tired sigh. Using the bathroom was the only time she was truly alone, it was the only privilege she was allowed in the psychiatric ward, and she relished every moment of it. The walls were plain; there was no mirror and no embellishments of any kind, just a toilet, a basin and a loose roll of toilet paper.

Solitude.

Swiftly, she grabbed a chunk of the hair at the lower, back of her scalp and ripped. Thick strands of her hair wrapped around her knuckles and danced to the floor as pain shot all over her scalp. She grabbed another chunk, relishing in the pain and control, and threw it in the toilet. One final tug, she thought, as she ripped out an entire fist-full. Her eyes watered at the stinging pain.

It calmed her and, as she disposed of the rest of her hair, she flushed the toilet and adjusted her curls, so that no one would notice the missing patch. She opened the door and noticed that CeCe was gone, and Eli was waiting for her on the other side.

"Hey."

He offered up an awkward wave before wrapping his arms around her delicate shoulders. She breathed deeply of his scent and draped her arms around his waist. His finger played with her hair and she loved the feeling. She hugged him tighter and no words needed to be exchanged between the two. His arms made her feel safe.

"Clare?" His voice sounded frantic, but Clare didn't move to end the embrace.

He pulled away from the hug and held his hand up in front of her. Crimson coated his gloved fingers and a look of horror shone in his eyes.

Clare reached around and touched her neck. She felt wetness and pulled her hand away, looking curiously at the blood that seeped down her index and middle finger.

"I thought you stopped!" He yelled, rushing into the bathroom and grabbing a wad of toilet paper before soaking it in water. He ran back to the room and washed her wounds gently, inspecting the missing patch of hair and the raw, bleeding skin.

Clare walked over to the bed and plopped down on the mattress before Eli could finish his cleaning.

"I didn't stop... I don't know_ how_ to stop." She murmured.

Eli plopped down next to her and scrutinized her. She expected him to yell at her, to call a nurse or to storm out. Instead, he planted a chaste kiss on her cheek and smirked sadly up at her. "We'll work on it, okay?"

"Okay." She whimpered and sunk into her bed. "Eli, I haven't been sleeping much. I don't feel safe."

Eli moved closer to her, so that her head was resting on his chest. He didn't care if her blood was staining his shirt; he just held her closer and ran a hand hesitantly through her hair. "Is this okay?" He asked.

She snuggled into his side. "Can you please hold me? When you're with me, I don't feel scared. Please?"

Eli nodded and ran his fingers through her hair until her breathing regulated and her chest fell up and down with graceful motions.

As she slept, Eli went through the same routine that he'd grown accustomed to in the past almost 4 days.

He wept and wept and wept, for everything that _**she'd**_ lost.

**I know, this story is kind of crappy right now. Slow and crappy. I have a really good plan for it in my head, I just need to get through a few more rough chapters. Lol**

**Vann**


End file.
